When do we begin the painful process of questioning our value as a human being? I guess that depends on each person’s perspective.
For me it began early in life when my step-mother beat me or my father put me on a pedestal based on his thinking that I was the pretty one per him and then told me that my true value was in those looks despite the fact that I was an excellent student and loving daughter. I know I was not consciously aware of the changes that took place over the years of my childhood, at least not in the moments it happened. I know I’m aware of why I changed my thinking from one of feeling good about myself to struggling with self-loathing throughout most of my adult life, now. I’m aware now. Today I strive daily to change my thinking from those lies to ones of contentment and self-love. Today which is all I really have, I’m content with the person I’ve become. I can also admire the girl who survived all that torment both created within and lived.
I’m stronger now and have clearer thinking about where self-esteem comes from. Well let’s say I’m supposed to and do most of the time. Like so many I still stand before a mirror and wreak havoc on how I look. I will pick a subject, my skin, and spend time pulling and tugging, pretending if I looked younger I would be prettier then happier. I actually just today realized why I don’t get up and dance like I used to and I danced for a while with complete abandon. I realized that I won’t dance because I think I will look silly, old woman that I am, shaking my groove thing. In fact, I doubt strongly most days that I even have a “groove thing” to shake!
As I asked earlier when did this deterioration of my self-value begin? Well, it was a long time ago, that’s for sure. Where did I go with all the self-doubt, negative blame, and hatred? I had to leave home one day past my eighteenth birthday because of abuse that I was tired of and ended up in places, with men that matched my self-hate to a tee. In other words I walked myself into Hell, havoc and trauma. Why did my life take that turn towards continued abuse and self-contempt? Because I believed I had no value. I think this is a belief that was established, fixed in my mind from a very young age, as I said, and that thought stayed fixed in the fore-front of my thinking for a very long time. How did I survive the years of intense abuse both self-inflicted and received from people who supposedly loved me? Now that’s a story I’m in the process of declaring but it’s nearly the same as many. Within me burned a desire to be loved and to love, a hope that someday I would feel that peace of mind that I know I felt as a very young child.
What I found as I’ve learned about who I am which is so much more than what I present day-to-day is that we believe the crap, the garbage that we were told as children as we develop into adults. We listened to feelings that others spewed upon us which was a reflection of how they felt about themselves and made those lies ours. That negativity was never supposed to be ours, not ever.
At some level whether with knowledge or not, we choose to believe the nonsense we are told. Not surprisingly we continue to re-invent those old beliefs and awful feelings daily in current memory. We struggle with this; we suffer emotionally for it because deep within us, we know different.
We forget moment to moment the truth which is readily available to us; at our beck and call. We instead try to deny our true value allowing our self-esteem to fade and/or others to blame us, harm us, try to destroy us to confirm what we think is true inside. These anguishing thoughts aren’t things we are born to believe or the life we are meant to live. The lies aren’t who we are.
We’ve made it all up, every bit of it.
Here’s the thing that I feel we as females surviving our lives forget.
We forget who we truly are!
As individuals we are unmatched by any other living being in the universe, we are each a masterpiece waiting to be appreciated for our uniqueness and value. As a whole we are a complete and perfect race of living beings who’ve taken form to share our knowledge and insight ensuring the continuance of our kind. In other words we are each priceless examples of infinite wisdom and love waiting to explore our possibilities.
Do we believe this and see this reflected every day in the mirror. Probably not every day but it is possible to see something different than what you’ve created of who you are.
I know this because I walked this truth and found the peace of mind that eluded me nearly my entire life. So let’s begin a journey of discovery. Let’s together develop ties to each other, invisible but unbreakable. A bond that will hold us together and give each of us the strength we need to end the lies, grab hold of our true value and live a fuller much more beautiful life.
The benefits are endless. The truth of our value is there within each one of us waiting to be felt.