I haven’t written for a while. I felt like I had nothing to share, nothing to contribute to all the amazing stuff that’s out here. I’d never before had my stuff so out there in the Social Media for all to see and read or not to read which felt horrible, like a rejection. So I didn’t write. I reposted other’s writings. I innocently thought that all those wonderfully talented “invisible” people have so much more insightful, profoundly deep stuff to say. So I stopped writing.
I just realized all of this and then, almost just as quickly, I realized that I’ve been stopping myself from doing something that I enjoy based on a false impression of me that I made up! Seems that I had convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough and that thought just as quickly set up a wall of self-doubt about what I was good at. My mood took a dive and I spent a great deal of time acting as if I was fine.
My mood hasn’t been all that good since I quit working nearly a year ago. I worked at a place where I was loved and, daily, praised for some perceived thing I did that changed someone else’s life for the better. After 7 years of this daily adoration, being on my own was a great big letdown ego wise. I’ve sat for hours in front of this computer screen trying to figure out how to do something that I love to do and make money at it. I love to teach innate health and wellbeing. To point people back to these gifts that are so readily available within each of us and yet I was missing a bigger picture. I wasn’t remembering this within me. And my ego wasn’t having any of stepping outside my comfort zone! That place called a comfort zone aka imagined impressions of how to make ourselves feel better got smaller and smaller. I think you get the idea, I was boxing myself in.
I’d messed with my thoughts so much so that I was simultaneously thinking that I had what it takes to go out and put my ideas into action helping people while also pushing against this rock solid thought that I have no idea how to go anywhere and do anything about anything! Whatever it was that I thought I could do was completely washed out of color looking grey and foreboding. So I was stumped and I quit doing what I love and played with my mood swings.
My thinking got really good, again, at focusing on my downward spiraling moods and like Sisyphus who everyday would push that big old boulder back up the hill, I’d push at my mood making sure that it never got too far down, or for that matter, too far up.
I’m up, I’m down, I’m stumped and stumbling and yet I haven’t left my office.
So this mood – self-imagined, self-regulating, self-destructive continued to play games and I’d sit and pay attention. All the while waiting for it all to smooth out so I could see my path more clearly….as if an imagined something can clear itself out! Or can it?
So one day I was driving which is when my best thoughts come to me and I thought what if Sisyphus just let that boulder go? Let the rock roll down that hill. What would happen if he didn’t try to stop it, regulate it, catch it or control it? Just let it go. Can you imagine just letting something go? Especially that something that we’ve all made up in our minds will all go to pieces if we don’t keep our thoughts focused on it.
Imagine not focusing on something that’s had your utmost but not necessarily best attention. What do you suppose would happen to that something, like your mood? Where do you suppose it would go?
Well I’ve decided to let my boulder go and so far nothing bad has happened. That imagined up and down swing in mood? Well since I’m not pushing at the mood, it doesn’t have my attention. Since it doesn’t have my attention, it stopped giving me grief.
Remember the most important part of all of this – it’s all in your imagination.
All made up stuff about who you are, how you’re supposed to act or who you’re supposed to be.
The answers are there but if we’re focused on what we’re not doing or should be doing – we can miss what we could be doing; we can miss our innate ability to be well and at peace.
I’ve taken my hands of that ugly old rock.
For now I’m going to enjoy my life without putting so much pressure on the outcome.
If you’re not sure of how to let go, send me an email – I’ve gotten pretty good at this so I might have some ideas for you too! Or let me know what you think about all this. Feedback is always appreciated!