There wasn’t anything about him that made sense except that I’d already decided to make him mine. I wasn’t interested in a one night stand. At 24 years old; I wanted someone in my life permanently. I couldn’t stand to be alone.
Being alone meant so much to me and it was all crazy bad. The feelings that came up for me, the thought of being by myself made my head spin, caused my heart to speed up, it was difficult to even take a breath. I couldn’t focus; I’d decided in my mind that sleeping by myself meant that I wasn’t loved plain and simple.
I wasn’t even alone really, I had a 4 year old daughter sleeping in the other room but I was convinced she wasn’t enough to help me feel better about myself. I felt I needed to be loved by an adult person who could fulfill my needs. I was afraid all the time and to help me feel better I would drink every evening to calm the rising fear of another dark, long and lonely night lying alone. The images that came up for me, when I allowed them too were confirmations that I was exactly what I’d always imagined myself to be, a nobody, a nothing. I wasn’t focused on what he was like and the signs that he might not be a good man could be blaringly obvious. It just didn’t matter. My drive to have someone next to me in my bed was all I felt I needed to stem off those dark and desperate feelings I felt I could not bear!
Where you might see broken, I see strength.
Where you might see poor choices, I see innocent decisions that seemed your only choice.
Where you see ugliness, I see unknown richness of beauty.
It’s not that I cannot see the facts,
It’s that you cannot see the truth!
Be in Peace!
When do we begin the painful process of questioning our value as a human being? I guess that depends on each person’s perspective.
For me it began early in life when my step-mother beat me or my father put me on a pedestal based on his thinking that I was the pretty one per him and then told me that my true value was in those looks despite the fact that I was an excellent student and loving daughter. I know I was not consciously aware of the changes that took place over the years of my childhood, at least not in the moments it happened. I know I’m aware of why I changed my thinking from one of feeling good about myself to struggling with self-loathing throughout most of my adult life, now. I’m aware now. Today I strive daily to change my thinking from those lies to ones of contentment and self-love. Today which is all I really have, I’m content with the person I’ve become. I can also admire the girl who survived all that torment both created within and lived.
I’m stronger now and have clearer thinking about where self-esteem comes from. Well let’s say I’m supposed to and do most of the time. Like so many I still stand before a mirror and wreak havoc on how I look. I will pick a subject, my skin, and spend time pulling and tugging, pretending if I looked younger I would be prettier then happier. I actually just today realized why I don’t get up and dance like I used to and I danced for a while with complete abandon. I realized that I won’t dance because I think I will look silly, old woman that I am, shaking my groove thing. In fact, I doubt strongly most days that I even have a “groove thing” to shake!